Well at the moment I don't even realize I'm wearing a mask sometimes it just comes naturally! Until, until I listen to a song or find a prayer I wrote ages ago or maybe even read one of my older posts. Then I realize how deep I store my bad feelings. And I think about what the hell happened? I mean when I was young I was always happy, I didn't really care about anything except happiness and now I've grown I guess. All day I've been thinking bout just this one line from a song "Back When I Was A Child Before life removed all the innocence" you recognize that? It's from Dance With My Father by Luther Vandross . That line has been haunting me since this morning! Well, when I was young I wanted to grow up badly to have a taste of freedom. I could go out without my parents, I could shop till I drop, find the perfect boyfriend who looks like he came out of a Tom Tailor ad and loads more teenager stuff I guess. Only to find out the total opposite. Guilt kills me. I wish I could go back. I fight all day with my mum and nothing I do can stop it, I wish I could go back to being that young girl who would cry when my dad worked long hours or because my mum is sick. Now, all I think about is how I will move out one day and I picture a bird flying out of a locked cage.
My question: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED ??????!!!!!!!!
I've become a girl who cries alone in bed at night well not everyday but a lot of times! I fight constantly with my mum. I don't care about anything except music, I escape everyday to a world full of perfect harmonies only to wake up to find It's the opposite. I haven't been to one of the youth meetings I used to attend in ages. Going there I feel like a total hypocrite, at home I'm always mad & grumpy and there I worship God and I'm a totally different person. I'm so caught Up in the perfect dream of being a woman of God and stuff that I forget why I even go, It's like I go because I'm used to it and I my Saturdays feel empty without it! But it's like I'm stuck. I listen to a worship song and the lyrics make perfect sense but then I've NEVER felt so far away from God as I do know.It's like there's something holding me back and its not the fights with my mum or exams or anything I just don't know!
So all I want to do Is remove this mask and break it into a TRILLION PIECES. I want to tear down the wall around me, around my heart! I want to be happy again, really happy. I want to be able to be able to talk to my friends about my bad feelings to,which most times I'm afraid to do so cause not everyone likes listening to how someone else's life kind of sucks right now!
You know what though, I have hope. I have hope that I'll be back to that person who knows why I worship God. To that HAPPY PERSON! Hope that one day I'll be able to help people who maybe are going through a hell-like phase like mine.
Goodnight My Fellow Friends!
And if you feel the same way just stop and pray, have faith in God that's what I'm trying to do!
Here are some songs that help : ( though If you're going through a REALLY bad time they might not make sense,as what happens to me sometimes, but they help)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCVvSArfVw0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQITGt09aBQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6llRLJTbNwg
Lots Of love,
Edel xxx <3
